Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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