Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
