This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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