I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I think my moral compass just broke
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
