Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
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My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
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I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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