I met the friendliest cop last night
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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