So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
