tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
