i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
