My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
