im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
