Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
