New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
