and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
