when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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