At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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