Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
