I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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