he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Your penis caused this!
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
