i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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