My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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