hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
