Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
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