when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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