i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
