watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
It's official drugs can't kill me
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
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