i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
