I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
