Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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