Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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