I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
