next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
