dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
