You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
