walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
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His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
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Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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