My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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