my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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