Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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