If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
