I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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