apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
