ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
