Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
