When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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