so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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