So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I have tasted many bathrooms
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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