Where is the hickey?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Randomize
