I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
