you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
