tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
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That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
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Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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