fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
