someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
