went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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