Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
